I am utterly exhausted. I feel like a living zombie. Ahhh teething...the 5 mo old in pan and nothing i can do that i havent already. Every evening and night. I miss the good morning and early afternoon smiles and happy baby. He gets to experience that while I get stres and panic and heartbreak that my baby hurts. Plus add no sleep into the equation...plus 25 1st graders all day and my cranky little one....and it seems that all I do is take care of children and have no peace...no quiet no time to myself....no friend or me time...no time to eat even....rarely do I get to go to the bathroom....all this an the fact that D and I are two ships passing in the night....well my life is blearly. I tried to have the rare family time or the us time but...no matter what I do I seem to get shorted someway. Feels like im 16 again and only seeing D on the weekend for one hour. Only now its less than that...maybe a minute before he passes out...after a great day with my baby and spending time with computer and vid games and friends....and actually gets to sleep more than 2 consecutive hours. Look it up...even 8 hours interrupted ever 2 amounts to less than any consecutive sleep he gets....but I'm taken more and more liberty for him by allowing him to sleep later while i take longer to get to dreamland and then wake up for baby when i do....repeat that 4 times a night....with each interval of 30 minutes wake and feeding little one.... and you have me. This...person who is too tired to enjoy her new baby because she's not slept, she's dealt with nonstop crying and fussiness, and a classroomful of frustration at risk kids...sometimes I wonder did i choose right? did I choose the one that i love or the the one that made me all the promises that dc could or would not....or be able to do. I could be set....I could be living easy with a baby but it wouldn't be carter....it would be another one....and i love my carter. despite all this.....and the unappreciative, ungrateful, could careless boyf that meets his own neeeds and prioritizes them above me or my needs...his wants are met and his wants get to see daylight. his life is just the way he wants it. There is no exception for me. No room for change, no room to grow....Seems like a rerun of a bad movie Ive livind and said I wouldn't ever act in again....but i did. its diff circumstances but still feels the same....my heart still falls and shatters...and he doesn't even understand whyim cranky or moody or frustrated or angry. He never stops to think or understand what its like for me. How much longer until I go crazy and just be stupid. I wouldnt ever leave my son, I wouldn't ever leave him, but that doesn't stop the anguish inside of me....the wishes as well for a normal family. I will never have that. This is my life. Its lonely....and hard....and i miss the days of nurtured times and being taken care of and spoiled and even talking ! TALKING.....but he has that stoic in him still and I wouldn't know what the hell he is so i just go on and on fretful and feeling bad and never working anything out. Des and I would fight like tooth and nail but....we worked it out,....most of the time until the end when i didn't care anymore. Sadly....i think not caring is his forte and Im learning it too. Strangers....what future do we have with that...SIGH. Maybe I will fall back on my old habits and express my emotions the only way i used to know how to do. Self destruction little by little on the inside. Did he prmise he was different and changed. He made me believe that but....wheres the caring....sweet....funny....man who wants to be with me....who would take time out to be with me....who wanted me to come over so badly....he would walk 10 miles to my house? He wont even stay up 1 hour after ive cooked him an amazing meal i bout and prepared....even after getting up and the butt crack of dawn so he could sleep so we could have one day together....one day that im actuallly have a holday....but no...he doens't care....his friends, his computer, his farm, his work, his sleep, his feelings, his selfishness, his wants, his laughs, are shared with those he wants to be with and i am rarely one of them...i am a second or third thought....as if there is nothng better to do. usually theres always something better than me. How Ive tried....to be there...to do the small things he doesn't ever remember anymore....theres hello goodbye....and he feels othing. I feel everything! Yet I can't even talk about it. Happy birthday me...30 is going to be a very rainy year....not the way i thought id spend it. I wish i had been in japan and the tsunami/nuclear had overtaken me. blah.